Reframe Your Manners Mindset
Do your kids' manners—or lack thereof—give you anxiety? Us too. This episode is all about how to teach your kids to use their manners and relieve that anxiety.

What You Get From This Episode
In this episode, we explore how our own family rules and values, like leading with kindness, can actually help reduce social anxiety for both kids and parents.
We discuss practical strategies for teaching good manners, including the importance of modeling good behavior, knowing when to introduce certain manners, and using positive reinforcement to encourage polite interactions. Tune in for the tips!
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Teach Your Kids to Use Their Manners
So, my son has some “rules” for the day we say every day. One of them is “be nice to others,” and I think having good manners falls under that rule.
I always say that manners do 2 things:
help you feel comfortable around others, and
help others feel comfortable around you.
Basically, manners are about respect.
This is one of the things I stress when my son gets nervous around new people or in new settings. “If we remember our manners, we are leading with kindness and helping everyone feel less nervous.”
Manner FAQs
When should kids learn manners?
Think about the natural age of socialization. Those typical kid behaviors, like grabbing or saying “rude” things happen, so take those opportunities to redirect the behavior in an age-appropriate way.
What manners should kids learn?
Try not to focus on hard and fast rules. Instead, pay attention to the substance of the matter so that your child can make praise-worthy choices on their own.
Obviously, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are important, but if you focus on the feelings, those will start to happen naturally.
What do I do when my kids “forget” to use their manners?
The expert says the best thing you can do is own your own discomfort, just to get past those feelings, keep your composure, and wait for a better moment to address the issue with a conversation, not a shame-inducing (or eye-roll-inducing) lecture.
Start With Yourself
Be a role model
Kelman says the best way to teach your kid good manners is not by commanding them to do and say specific things like “please” and “thank you,” but by modeling those behaviors yourself and then explaining why you did it during a private conversation with your child.
That conversation informs your child of the value and meaning behind what we say are ‘good manners,’—you know, making ourselves and others feel comfortable—instead of just parroting you when you’re around
and/or only doing it because you told them to.
Don’t force good manners, because they won’t get used if you aren’t around!
The very common “What do you saaaaaay…?” line and “Oh wow, that was so nice of Aunt Blanche, she gave you a lollipop, say thank you” are not teaching, they’re forcing.
Two problems with this:
One, why do your kids clean up? Because you told them to (probably over and over and over again). Not because they see the value of cleaning up! So when you force manners, they probably won’t use them when you aren’t around—just like they won’t clean up until you scream at them.
Two, you aren’t giving your kids the opportunity to develop the thoughtful and empathic instincts that are the foundation of good manners.
For this reason, Kelman recommends doing the polite thing for your child (and in front of them) and then having a private conversation later, at a time and place where your child won’t feel embarrassed or ashamed.
For example, “Wasn’t that so nice of Aunt Blanche to give you that lollipop? Did you hear me say ‘Thank you’ to her? That’s because I wanted to let her know that you and I appreciated her kindness. It makes people feel good when we show them we appreciate them. And that makes us feel good, too!”
Again, model and explain.
Rethink your notion of ‘misbehavior’
Being obsessed with raising polite kids can actually cause you/me/all of us to judge our own children for what is ultimately developmentally appropriate behavior. And judgment has no place in parenting.
Neither does shame. Keep shame out of this. It doesn’t work on your kid.
And that goes for how you talk to yourself, too. Chances are pretty high that Aunt Blanche didn’t notice the one missing ‘thank you’ from your kid.
And you know what else? Other parents get it. And the ones who don’t have just shown you that you don’t want to spend time around them anyway.
Front-Load the Vocabulary / Pre-Teach Manners
Have regular conversations about caring
Remember what I said earlier about how manners are about respect? Whenever you can, have conversations about how we show kindness and respect to others.
Play games that teach manners
Pretend play is great here! Restaurant, house, etc. are all great chances to intentionally model manners.
For older kids, card games, board games, etc. are all opportunities to take turns, be honest, be a good sport, etc.
Watch TV shows that model good manners
This really applies to younger kids, but shows like Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Blippi, and Daniel Tiger are all about kindness, and isn’t that what we’re going for here?
Read books that emphasize social-emotional learning
The Rainbow Fish, by Marcus Pfister
I am Enough, by Grace Byers
Jabari Jumps, by Gaia Cornwall
The Invisible Boy, by Patrice Barton
The Boy with Big, Big Feelings, by Britney Winn Lee
The Bad Seed, The Good Egg, The Smart Cookie, etc., by Jory John
And When You’re At Your Event, Whatever It May Be…
Don’t treat your kid like a third-wheel
This feels like a gimme, right? If you ignore your kid(s) at an event, your kid will absolutely find a way to make sure you don’t ignore them—and you already know what that means…
In my experience, this is even more crucial when there’s only 1 kid around because 2 kids can (hopefully) interact with each other.
Instead, include them (in age-appropriate ways) in the conversation whenever possible. If it’s a part of the conversation that they can’t be involved in, be sure to look them in the eye, give them a pat on the shoulder, etc., just to let them know you haven’t forgotten them.
Gently minimize interruptions
Use the gentle interruption method of your child touching your arm, wrist, hand, etc., (for us, it’s a hand on my hand) to help them let you know that they have something to say.
Then, if you need to, you can also say something like, “I would love to hear what you have to say, honey, but I’m listening to another adult right now. Let me finish listening and then I will come find you to hear what you wanted to share.”
Praise your child
Always call out the things you want to see more of! Praise goes so much further than scolding or shame.
Remember, manners are about kindness and making others feel good, which makes us feel good.
Teaching manners isn't just about saying "please" and "thank you." It's about fostering kindness, empathy, and respect—essential life skills that will benefit children throughout their lives. By modeling good behavior, understanding when to introduce new manners, and using positive reinforcement, you can equip your children with the social and emotional tools they need to navigate the world with confidence and compassion.
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Make good choices,
Caitlin & Jenny
Sources for this episode
How to Teach Kids Manners: Parenting Tips for Polite Kids, According to a Child Therapist by Emma Singer with additional reporting by Suzanne Zuckerman | PureWow
Jennifer Kelman is a mental health expert on JustAnswer, where she has provided online support to those in need since 2012. In addition to her work on JustAnswer, Kelman has been a licensed clinical social worker for more than 30 years and maintains a private practice specializing in relationships, parenting, and children’s mental health issues.
Who We Are
Jenny and Caitlin are two friends sharing their experiences and insights on parenting. In this episode, they discuss practical strategies for teaching children good manners, from modeling good behavior to using positive reinforcement.
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