8 Practical Tips to Help You Break Free from ADHD Shame & Stigma
- Caitlin Kindred
- Aug 23
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 7
Another day, another shame spiral.
Originally aired on **How to Be a Grownup: A Humorous Guide for Moms
You know that voice in your head that whispers, "Everyone else has it figured out," while you're standing in the grocery store? You have keys in one hand and a shopping list you can't find in the other. You wonder how you ended up in the home décor aisle when you came for toilet paper.
That voice tells you you're "too much" when you get excited, "not enough" when you can't focus, and a "failed adult" when you realize you've been putting off that dentist appointment for eight months.
If that voice sounds familiar—and if you just felt your chest tighten reading this—this one's for you.
We're unpacking ADHD shame—where it comes from, why it sticks around like that one relative who overstays their welcome, and most importantly, how to start unlearning it.
Quick reminder: We're not therapists or mental health professionals. We've done the research, but that doesn't make us experts. We're just two women doing our best and sharing what we've learned.
Key Takeaways
The "shame smoothie" breakdown – How childhood experiences, societal myths, and internalized ableism blend into one toxic mess.
Where ADHD stigma really comes from – Why people still think it's "just a childhood disorder" or an excuse for bad behavior.
How shame shows up in your daily life – From procrastination cycles to over-apologizing to comparing yourself to neurotypical parents.
7 practical strategies to fight shame – Including how to separate ADHD science from morality and why "shamelessness" might be your superpower.
Your ADHD strengths reminder – Because creativity, hyperfocus, and persistence are actual superpowers.
Listen to the Episode
The ADHD Shame & Stigma Smoothie: A Recipe Nobody Asked For
Shame, according to the experts, is a "constant sense of inadequacy and agonizing feelings of embarrassment and humiliation." Sounds delightful, right?
I blame three main ingredients for this toxic shame smoothie:
Childhood experiences (being compared to others, misunderstood, dismissed)
Societal myths and stigma
Internalized ableism
These all blend together into one nasty concoction, and honestly? It's time to pour that mess down the sink.
The Voices That Stick
There are still plenty of people who view ADHD as a moral deficiency. You know the voices:
"Y'all with ADHD are nothing more than lazy slackers."
"Y'all just lack discipline."
"Y'all are too sensitive."
"There's something 'off' about y'all."
When you look at your (likely chaotic) surroundings, you think, "My problem is that I lack discipline." Maybe people said exactly that to you, especially if you got "bad" grades in school. "She just needs to buckle down and concentrate on what's important."
When you're late to yet another meeting, you turn on yourself: "I'm a mess. I'm lazy. I'll never get ahead."
Or maybe you did the opposite in school—performed so well that the mere idea of underperforming made the shame even worse.
Here's the truth: If "just trying harder" worked, we'd all be CEOs by now. Some days, my brain runs on Windows 95 in a 5G world—stop blaming me for the lag.
The Stigma Is Real (And Really Annoying)
Despite hearing about ADHD "everywhere" these days, there are still people who don't understand or refuse to believe that ADHD is real. Beyond the "he just makes poor choices" crowd, stigma shows up in other frustrating ways:
"It's just a childhood disorder."
Since ADHD is commonly thought of as something kids grow out of, adults with ADHD come under suspicion. People think you're using it as an excuse.
"It's a boy thing."
Thanks, patriarchy. If a girl has ADHD traits, there must really be something wrong with her. Or the flip side: "You don't act like someone with ADHD" because we're all thinking of the hyperactive little boy stereotype.
"It's invisible, so it's not real."
ADHD is an unseen disability, and there's still widespread negativity around mental health and taking medication to treat it.
If any of these thoughts are rattling around in your head, you've likely internalized these ableist ideas. And you've probably been carrying them around since childhood.
How Shame Shows Up (Spoiler: It's Not Pretty)
Shame doesn't just sit quietly in a corner. It makes itself known through...
...General symptoms
Mood disorders and sometimes crippling anxiety
Self-medication with drugs or alcohol
Defensiveness that comes across as anger—lashing out at people closest to you
Masking to hide your ADHD traits and try to fit in
...At work or school
The procrastination → guilt → more procrastination cycle
Fear of asking for accommodations ("I don't deserve help" or not wanting to inconvenience others)
...In relationships
Over-apologizing ("Sorry for existing!")
People-pleasing to avoid rejection
...In parenting
"I'm failing my kids" while comparing yourself to neurotypical parents
Sound familiar? You're not alone.
How to Fight Shame (And Win)
1. Separate the "Morality" from the Science
You can't beat yourself up about something you literally have no control over. You wouldn't attach moral judgment to someone with a physical ailment, right?
Well, guess what? ADHD IS a physical condition. It's supported by real science—MRIs, genetic studies—so stop viewing it as a personality or moral fault. It's a brain type, not a character flaw.
Yes, it's a real disorder with real challenges. You can choose to face those challenges head-on or wallow in shame that someone else taught you.
2. Name the Narrative
Remember Gladys, my guilt gremlin? She's back to help you separate yourself from your brain and the rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) it drags around. "This shame isn't mine—it's what Gladys thinks. Shut up, Gladys."
To be clear, I'm not saying make excuses. Gladys isn't responsible for inappropriate behavior. She exists to keep me from shame spiraling, not to shirk responsibility. (She's also not to be confused with Myrtle, the "ghost" in my house who leaves out shoes and makes messes.)
3. Rewrite Your Story
ADHD is a freaking superpower. List your strengths: creativity, originality, hyperfocus, persistence, initiative, humor. These are common traits of ADHD brains.
4. Expect Respect From Others and Yourself
People buried by shame often let others walk all over them. They get stuck people-pleasing, apologizing constantly, and not enforcing boundaries. You become an easy target.
But when you remember what you bring to the table, you start seeing yourself as worthy of respect. You gain confidence and stop taking crap from others.
When someone says something hurtful about ADHD, try:
"I have ADHD, and it's just as real as other medical conditions."
"I work hard, and you have no idea how demoralizing comments like that are."
"Wow. I'm surprised you feel comfortable talking about mental health conditions that way."
"Can you help me understand what you mean by that?"
"Eff off, Gladys."
5. Find Your People
Follow ADHD creators, join communities, find your tribe. Therapy (specifically ADHD-informed) and coaching can provide that objective third party you need. ADDitude has a great directory of professionals to support you.
6. Create Systems to Prevent Shame
You can actually prevent shame when you know your triggers. Always losing your car keys? Create a specific system—a basket by the door, a cute magnetic hook, whatever works.
As you master these systems, shame transforms into pride and higher self-esteem. It might even snowball into more positive changes.
7. Practice Shamelessness
Remember when you were giving birth and so many people were all up in your business that you stopped caring? Channel that energy!
Out your ADHD proudly: "I forgot your birthday because my brain cleared its cookies. Let's celebrate belatedly!" (P.S., I love late birthdays—they extend the fun!)
Laugh at the absurdity: "Of course I left my keys in the fridge."
8. Keep Trying
You'll have moments when you get angry or frustrated and start shame-spiraling again. But that perseverance you have? That tenacity you use in other areas? You can use it here, too.
The Bottom Line
Shame thrives in isolation—but you're not alone. Your ADHD brain isn't broken, lazy, or "too much." It's different, and different can be pretty amazing.
What's one ADHD stereotype you're tired of hearing? We'd love to rant about it with you.
In the meantime, repeat after me: "I am not broken. I am different."
Sources for this episode
ADDitude Mag
Who We Are
Caitlin and Ariella are 2 neurospicy moms holding it all together with hope, mental health meds, therapy, and laughs.
Find How to Be a Grownup: A Humorous Guide for Moms wherever you get your podcasts, and remember—you're doing better than you think.
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Make good choices,
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