If you have a deeply-feeling kid in your family, you need to follow Dr. Becky
You and your family are out at an event. And then it hits out of nowhere: your kid is having a meltdown.
It's frustrating.
It's embarrassing.
And it goes on for a long time.
Are you a parent struggling to understand your child's intense emotions? Raising a deeply-feeling kid (a DFK) can be a rewarding and challenging experience. These kids have an extraordinary ability: they feel empathy, compassion, and other emotions with great intensity. And as a parent, creating a supportive and understanding environment where their emotional needs can flourish is important.
Of course, that's easier said than done. I'm betting that you want to nurture and support your child's unique emotional needs but it feels really hard because these kids don't play by the 'normal' rules. All the parenting tricks just don't seem to work.
For the record, you aren't alone. I get it.
And so does my new hero, Dr. Becky Kennedy, child psychologist and author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Her Instagram account has officially become my holy grail of parenting, and since discovering her, I've spent hours learning everything I can about how to support my deeply-feeling kid.
In this article, I do a deep dive into what I've learned from Dr. Becky about the emotions of deeply-feeling kids. I also explore practical strategies and techniques I've learned and am applying to my own DFK to help me (and you!) connect with my DFK, foster their emotional intelligence, and help them promote healthy emotional expression.
Understanding deeply-feeling kids
Deeply-feeling kids are exactly what you think they are: they are kids who feel all the things and they feel them intensely and, well, deeply—whether it's joy, sadness, empathy, or even anger. In fact, they often feel things so intensely that they can’t actually articulate how they’re feeling at all.
These children have a heightened sensitivity to the world around them. They often pick up on subtle cues and nuances that others may miss.
This innate emotional capacity can be both a blessing and a curse for parents. On one hand, DFKs are often highly intuitive, compassionate, and insightful. They bring a special richness and depth to family life.
But, their intense emotional responses can also be overwhelming and make it harder for them to regulate their feelings and navigate social situations. Dr. Becky notes they can even hold their families hostage because everyone is afraid to upset them.
Dr. Becky says DFKs have these big reactions because of vulnerabilities that "sit right next to their shame."
“For deeply feeling kids, their vulnerability sits right next to their shame... So when they feel vulnerable—meaning they trip and fall, they make a mistake, they didn't know something was expected to happen, they lose a board game—that’s a vulnerable feeling.”
And, as noted in this article by Alexia Dellner for PureWow, "Because this vulnerability is so shameful to DFKs, they explode. 'They almost experience their feelings as attackers on their body, which is why they respond with an attack.'"
Basically, these kids are always on the defensive, or as the kids say, ‘triggered.’
Understanding what makes DFKs unique is crucial for parents. When parents know the signs of a DFK, they can learn to nurture their emotional well-being and create an environment that allows their families to stop walking on eggshells and thrive together.
The importance of emotional intelligence in parenting
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a critical component of effective parenting, especially when raising DFKs. EQ is the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions in a healthy and constructive way. It includes life skills like self-awareness, empathy, impulse control, and the ability to navigate social interactions.
For parents of DFKs, a high EQ is essential. These children often need extra support in understanding and regulating their intense emotions. This means they need parents who are emotionally intelligent to provide the guidance and tools they need.
Developing your own EQ as a parent helps you tune in to your child's emotional needs and create a safer emotional space for your kids. This, in turn, fosters trust, open communication, and a stronger bond between you and your child. And, by modeling emotional awareness and regulation, you help your DFK develop their own emotional intelligence.
Signs of a deeply-feeling kid
Recognizing the signs of a DFK can help parents better understand and support their child's unique emotional needs. Some common characteristics of deeply-feeling kids include:
Heightened sensitivity to sensory input, such as sounds, textures, or changes in routine
Intense emotional reactions, both positive and negative, that may seem disproportionate to the situation
A deep sense of empathy and concern for others, often expressed through acts of kindness or concern
Difficulty regulating emotions, leading to frequent meltdowns or emotional outbursts
A tendency to internalize and ruminate on their feelings, rather than expressing them openly
A rich inner world and vivid imagination, often reflected in their play, art, or storytelling
A strong desire for emotional connection and a need for frequent reassurance and validation
Sensitivity to criticism or perceived rejection, which can lead to feelings of shame or inadequacy
Dr. Becky pinpoints two traits in particular, though:
Their emotional escalations happen more frequently, more intensely, and last longer.
Typical parenting strategies don’t work.
Do any of these feel familiar to you? Congratulations, and welcome! Your t-shirt is on its way (although I'm sure you'd rather have something else that might help you take the edge off, instead).
Now, keep reading...
Nurturing emotional well-being in deeply-feeling kids
You can use various strategies to create an environment that supports your child's emotional development.
The four things I'm going to focus on in this article are
Effective communication with your DFK
Setting boundaries and teaching self-regulation
Supporting social interactions without hovering
Managing overwhelm and stress alongside your DFK
Effective communication strategies with deeply-feeling kids
Effective communication with deeply-feeling kids requires a nuanced and sensitive approach. What works for non-DFKs doesn't work for these kids. DFKs have a heightened need for emotional connection and understanding. And traditional methods for sharing feelings fall short.
How many times have you tried talking to your DFK about big feelings hours after a meltdown, only to trigger another one? Or, maybe you don't trigger another one (lucky), but you get absolutely nowhere with the conversation? You might want to try a non-verbal approach.
The Thumbs Up Strategy
This is my new favorite strategy, courtesy of Dr. Becky. It's the beyond simple and brilliant ‘Thumbs Up Strategy.’ Here’s how it works:
You, the parent, say, “‘Hey, I want to play a game. You’ve got to close your eyes and I’m going to say something and, if it’s right, you give me a thumbs up. If it’s kind of right, but kind of wrong, you give me a thumb to the side. And if I couldn’t be more wrong, you give me a thumbs down.”
Because DFKs struggle to talk about their feelings, this method provides them with a non-verbal way to express themselves without making eye contact (something that people feeling ashamed struggle to do, too).
Then, you give them an example statement:
“Maybe it was a little upsetting that your artwork didn’t look the way you wanted it to.”
From there, pause and wait for your DFK to put their thumb up, down, or to the side.
Or try a funny statement:
“You were upset today because you asked me to dress up like a hot dog and I told you there wasn’t enough mustard in the house to make it work.”
(Dr. Becky notes that DFKs LOVE to reject a parent—something I am very familiar with—so this is pretty likely to get a response.)
The goal is to land on a statement that accurately describes their feelings and gets them to acknowledge those feelings.
Dr. Becky is clear—if your DFK gives you a hand signal as a response, take it. It’s a win.
When kids are ready to talk
Once you've mastered the Thumbs Up Strategy, it's time to encourage your kid to start talking about their emotions.
DFKs need to feel heard, understood, and accepted. Above all else, avoid dismissing or minimizing their emotional experiences. Instead, offer empathy and compassion.
Active listening
When your deeply-feeling kid is expressing their emotions, resist the urge to interrupt or offer immediate solutions. Instead, focus on truly hearing and understanding their perspective. Reflect back what you've heard, and ask open-ended questions to deepen your understanding. That might sound like "I think I'm hearing you say that you're frustrated by your brother keeping you out of his room, do I have that right?" Or it could be as simple as saying, "I can see how upset you are right now. That must be really hard for you." Doing this shows your that their feelings are valid and important.
Lead with empathy
Use empathetic language. DFKs thrive when they feel seen and understood. Avoid dismissive or minimizing statements. Instead, validate their emotions with phrases like, "I can imagine how difficult that must have been for you," or "It makes sense that you're feeling that way." This helps your child feel heard and supported.
Choose the right time & place
DFKs need more time and space to process their emotions before they're ready to discuss them. Avoid having important emotional discussions when your child is already overwhelmed or dysregulated. Instead,
choose a calm, quiet moment when you can give them your full attention.
Setting boundaries and teaching self-regulation
While DFKs have remarkable emotional depth, they often struggle with self-regulation. Establish clear boundaries and teach them healthy coping strategies to support their emotional well-being.
Boundaries are everything
Start by setting age-appropriate limits and expectations. DFKs may test boundaries more frequently, as their intense emotions can lead to impulsive behavior. Communicate family boundaries clearly and consistently, and be prepared to enforce them with empathy and understanding.
Explicitly teach healthy coping strategies
At the same time, work on developing your child's self-regulation skills. Teach them healthy ways to regulate emotions like deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, creative expression (e.g., drawing, journaling), and positive self-talk. Encourage them to recognize the physical sensations associated with their feelings, and guide them in finding constructive ways to express or release those emotions.
Don't forget to Model
It's also important to model healthy emotional regulation yourself. When you encounter challenges or stressful situations, demonstrate how you use your coping strategies to manage your emotions. This not only sets a positive example for your child and helps them feel more secure and supported in their own emotional journey, but also helps you navigate your own emotions brought on by everyday life.
Please hear me when I say modeling this is sooo stinking hard. I understand. You might have to be like Ramona here and just fake it 'til you make it.
Supporting social interactions and friendships
DFKs often face challenges when in social situations and forming meaningful friendships. Their heightened sensitivity and intense emotional responses can sometimes make it difficult for them to connect with their peers. As a parent, you play a vital role in supporting your DFK's social development.
Start by helping them understand and interpret social cues and emotions in others. Teach them strategies for initiating and maintaining conversations, as well as conflict resolution skills.
Provide opportunities for your child to engage in social activities and build relationships in a supportive environment. This could include supervised playdates, extracurricular activities, or social-emotional learning programs. Encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns about social interactions, and offer guidance and reassurance.
It's also important to advocate for your DFK in social settings, such as at school. Work with school staff to help them understand and accommodate your DFK's emotional needs. This may involve collaborating on strategies to help your child navigate group dynamics, manage sensory overload, or find a safe space to recharge when needed.
One further note about social interactions: don't hover. Don't hover with friends. Don't hover at school. Don't helicopter parent. You are an advocate for your DFK. You are not their bodyguard, there to remove every single potential problem or conflict.
Managing overwhelm and stress in deeply-feeling kids
Deeply-feeling kids are often highly sensitive to their environment (have we mentioned that yet?) and can become easily overwhelmed by stimuli or stressful situations. As a parent, it's your job to help your child recognize when they begin to feel overwhelmed and then support the development of effective coping mechanisms to manage their overwhelm.
Start by helping your DFK identify their triggers and recognize the early signs of overwhelm and stress. Encourage them to communicate when they're feeling overstimulated or in need of a break, and work together to develop a plan for how to respond in those moments. The most important thing to remember here, though, is that you are empowering them to advocate for their needs.
Potential Triggers
We have a few overwhelm-triggers in my house. Here's what we've found and the solutions we're working on.
My DFK gets overwhelmed at a certain time of day. We're building a schedule that works best for them that meets our family's needs.
My DFK is set off by repetitive and/or very loud noises. We had him pick out a noise-limiting solution they are comfortable using in loud settings. We also worked together to create a quiet, calming space for them to retreat to when they feel overwhelmed.
My DFK completely falls apart when faced with multiple options to choose from or solutions to a problem. We are (trying) to teach them a range of stress-management techniques, such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization exercises. We encourage them to draw, too, because it's a passion of theirs already.
Any of these tools can help them regain a sense of control and calm when they're feeling anxious or stressed.
Remember, as the parent, you have to model healthy coping strategies, too. Take time to care for your emotional well-being and show your DFK how you manage stress and find moments of calm.
Conclusion: Celebrating the uniqueness of deeply feeling kids
Parenting a deeply-feeling kid is hard. It's a test of who you are and everything you've ever learned as a parent, especially if your DFK has older siblings.
DFKs have an emotional capacity that can enrich family life in countless ways, but the challenges they bring can undercut your family's dynamic. Your DFK needs a nuanced and empathetic approach.
By understanding the signs of a DFK, cultivating your own emotional intelligence, and implementing practical strategies to support their emotional well-being, you can
embrace their sensitivity,
encourage their self-expression,
celebrate the unique gifts they bring to the world,
and create an environment where your child can thrive.
Remember, deeply-feeling kids are not broken or in need of "fixing." Their wiring is different. With the right support and guidance, they can harness their emotional depth and sensitivity to become compassionate, resilient, and fulfilled individuals.
And when you need to vent, find me on Instagram. Because I'm right beside you in these trenches.
Love,
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