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5 Consequences of ADHD Masking in Women—and Ways to Embrace Your Authentic Self

Faking it fails you. It's Time to take off the mask.

Ever feel like you’re faking it just to survive motherhood and adulthood? Spoiler: It’s not impostor syndrome—it’s ADHD masking. Learn how to ditch the exhausting act without setting your life on fire.

 You aren’t obligated to carry the weight of other people’s opinions of you. –Caitlin
Pink background with ornate mask, adorned with feathers and beads. Text: "ADHD SERIES: 5 Consequences of ADHD Masking in Women—and Ways to Embrace Your Authentic Self."

What You Get From This Episode

  1. The truth about masking: Why ADHDers (especially moms) become masters of disguise—and how it backfires.

  2. Burnout red flags: How to tell if you’re actually burned out (and not just really tired).

  3. Unmasking strategies: Practical ways to honor your brain without abandoning responsibilities.

  4. The “should” trap: Why societal expectations set moms up to fail—and how to rewrite the script.

  5. Rest as rebellion: Why sleep isn’t selfish (and how to fight guilt-free for it).


Listen Here


My ADHD MAsk

Here’s a little story for you: 

While I was teaching here in Texas, before Jenny and I really got close but were getting to know each other at this point, I remember her sending me a text that said something like “This is why (our friend and colleague) Ashley and I want to be you when we grow up.” 

I remember thinking how insane that was… Here I am, feeling like I’m barely holding on to my life… I’m a new mom, I was new to Texas, in a new job (aka a first year teacher all over again, and if you know, you know), I had no money, my license tags were crazy expired (and on Colorado plates, no less) and these women thought (maybe still think, I don’t know…) that I had my ish together. 

The compliment (which is still one of my favorites) felt unearned.

And yet, I see their point. I looked like I had my ish together. It’s my brain that was all scrambled. I was (and still am) great at masking.

Here’s why my story is important for moms: 

Society expects women (especially moms) to be organized, emotionally regulated, and self-sacrificing—but ADHD brains aren’t wired for this effortlessly. And it’s a surefire way to burn yourself out, which is something moms simply can’t afford to do.


As always, please remember that I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist, or any type of health professional. My perspective is my own, and I did my research, but much of this is coming from my personal experience. I hope that if you see yourself in what I share today, you feel validated and remember that you are not alone.

What is ADHD Masking?

“I appear very organized to the outside world, but only because I spend an immense amount of time and energy putting everything together.”

Masking is a coping strategy.

Masking = camouflaging ADHD traits to fit in (e.g., forcing focus, hiding forgetfulness, mimicking neurotypical habits), and lots of neurodivergent people do it.

It may be helpful at first, but it starts to get exhausting (and we’ll get into why in just a minute).

And women mask more than men. Why? 

  • The general fear of being labeled "flaky," "lazy," or "too much."

  • Social conditioning to be "pleasing" and competent leads to the development of certain behaviors or habits that compensate for ADHD symptoms.

Examples of masking in moms:

  • Staying late to over-prepare for a school meeting (compensating for time blindness).

  • Saying "I forgot my planner" instead of "I lost it again" (shame avoidance).

  • Mimicking other moms’ routines even when they don’t work for your brain.

The Consequences of Masking

  1. Delayed/sabotaged diagnosis… 🙃

This one speaks for itself.

I always told my students: “If you go to the doctor for a stomachache or a broken bone, but you don’t actually tell the doctor what’s wrong, you won’t get the help you need. The same goes for things you’re struggling with at school.”

I think the connection here is pretty obvious. 

  1. An inability to find “things that work” for their brain.

Maybe due to a lack of acceptance or even a lack of knowledge that she has ADHD, she can’t figure out what systems work for her. (You know, like when you put all of your faith in this new planner as the thing that will solve all of your problems.)

  1. Other mental health disorders. 

All of that worry and stress of masking can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout (more below!).

  1. Perfectionism

“Overly sensitive to their own perceived faults, people who mask may also be hyper aware of those traits in others and even develop an intolerance for them. Perfectionism, combined with impostor syndrome, can also intensify rejection sensitivity dysphoria [RSD]. If something isn’t perfect, then it can be seen as another failure, adding to a sense of personal worthlessness.”

In the article in ADDitude Magazine, one woman said that she spent so much of her early years being late to things that now she’s obsessed with being on time. And now, when other people are late, she takes it as a personal attack. 

And that’s the RSD right there. 

  1. Impostor syndrome, poor self-esteem, and a “who even am I?” feeling.

As I said, masking is a coping strategy. And people with ADHD mask because they feel inadequate. The failures really stick out in their brains. The wins get overlooked (like not taking credit for your work, saying something was a team effort when it wasn’t, calling it “good luck,” etc.). It’s more than humility, it’s completely dismissing your contributions to success. 

Another thing? All of that time literally pretending to be someone else (often whoever you’re around) creates a distorted sense of who you are. When you realize that who you think you are is really just a masked version of your real self… well, you can imagine how someone would feel pretty lost.

The Link Between Masking and Burnout

Here’s how masking leads to burnout: 

  • It’s hard to maintain.

  • It keeps people from getting to know who you really are… and that includes yourself.

  • It only takes you so far because you can’t mimic your way into successful work or social habits. 

Burnout = chronic stress + emotional depletion + feeling ineffective.

Why ADHDers burn out faster:

  • Cognitive load: Masking requires extra mental effort (like speaking a second language all day). 

    I feel like I have to work so hard just to get things crossed off my to-do list. I look at my boss, for example, and how she cranks out task after task in one day, and I both admire it and constantly wonder how the heck she does it!

  • Emotional labor: Suppressing emotions (e.g., RSD meltdowns) is exhausting. And the anxiety that comes from a sense of “underperforming” just adds to that exhaustion.

  • No recovery time: Moms rarely get true downtime.

Signs you’re burned out (not just tired):

  • Constant overwhelm, irritability, numbness.

  • Physical symptoms (headaches, insomnia, getting sick often).

  • Feeling like a "failure" even when you’re doing a lot.

How to Unmask—Without Falling Apart

Here are some practical strategies to reduce masking and conserve energy.

Step 1: Identify your masks

  • Ask: "Where am I performing ‘normal’ instead of honoring my brain? How am I trying to keep up appearances?”

  • What parts of yourself do you find yourself actively hiding from others?

Step 2: Drop the "shoulds"

  • For example, if visual clutter doesn’t bother you, stop apologizing for it.

  • “Should” is a bad word in the mental health space. Maybe you’ve heard “stop shoulding all over yourself”? It’s true and it’s real. 

  • I love this resource from ADDitude Magazine: “Squirrel Bingo”! It’s an anti-shame game!


Step 3: Practice self-compassion

  • This quote from ADHD coach Linda Roggli, PCC—OMG: “Your masks have protected you in the past but release them with love.” 

  • Practice talking to yourself in a kind way. My friend Elsie didn’t like it when I said something negative about myself and would correct me by saying, “Don’t talk about my friend that way.” I now say that to my friends, my family, and most importantly, myself. 

  • Remember that self-advocacy is a form of self-care and self-compassion. Asking for help is not only okay, but it’s a good thing, and it will help ease the pain of that mask coming off. 

    • ADHDers and maskers often have a hard time identifying needs (it’s like fake independence or something, IDK). So stop and think: What am I afraid of? What do I need? You may find some solutions after a little bit of self-reflection. 

    • This may also mean re-evaluating your boundaries (scary)... Keep that in mind during this self-reflection.

  • Your sense of humor has a place here. Laughing feels good, so lean into opportunities to do so when ADHD symptoms show up in funny ways.

Step 4: Outsource/adapt

  • Use tools (meal kits, automatic bill pay) instead of forcing "traditional" systems.

  • Empower yourself with information. (I can think of no better hyperfixation than learning about your own brain. Seriously.) ADDitude Magazine is a fabulous resource if you don’t know where to start.

Step 5: Find your people

You masked for a reason, and that’s because there are people out there who are mean and crappy. And yes, those people might react negatively as you start to unmask. But don’t let those people dictate how you live your life. This isn’t middle school. You aren’t obligated to carry the weight of other people’s opinions of you.

Surround yourself with ADHD-friendly folks who don’t judge. Maybe that’s a professional therapist or an ADHD coach. Maybe that’s other ADHDers, especially those you identify with in some way (gender norms, etc.)

Step 6: Schedule rest like it’s a meeting

Burnout recovery requires actual rest (not just scrolling in bed). So Mama, I say this with love: 

Go the f*ck to sleep.

Put “nap” on the family calendar and then go the f*ck to sleep. 

Nothing is more important than your rest, my darling.

Conclusion and Hot Takes

Masking is like Spanx for your brain—insanely uncomfortable and nobody actually cares if you wear it. So release yourself from the shapewear and mask.

And I’ll be your friend. 😀

Dear reader, do you have a mask you’re ready to drop? Send us a DM! 

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Make good choices,

Caitlin

Sources & Mentions

Who We Are

Caitlin Kindred: ADHD mom, former teacher, and perpetual chaos wrangler who’s survived burnout (twice). Specializes in laughing so she doesn’t cry.

Ariella Monti: Author, ADHD creative, and yoga teacher who actually understands neurodivergent brains (no essential oil pseudoscience here).


How did you hear about us?
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